Interesting that you from the past and this unfinished poem reached out to present day you.
I might have this poem go in the direction of the schooner reflecting on journeys across seas, stormy and peaceful. Perhaps have the schooner sitting at dock, thinking about what tomorrow will bring.
A safe harbor is a good idea. But I also feel like I want it to adventure more, to sail beyond the sunset and the baths of all the western stars... so yeah, I think a story arc ending with a safe harbor maybe. Though from a craft perspective, I'm not sure how long I can sustain the same rhythm and rhyme and intensity of language. I was kind of following the sounds more than the meaning.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I value your insight, Zina.
The opening images that stayed with me were the waves as the unspoken word, the meter of the lapping water. Can Homer speak to the reader and give voice to the waves? Can their metric reappear on a final stanza giving voice to the longings we navigate on a physical and spiritual journey? It seems like it could be very close to a final draft to me. A couple of times there were extra words, moments when a single adjective would have landed where the many choices diffused the sentiment. But that might be stylistic preference. I hope you finish it and republish! I want to see an additional stanza grappling with the language of the wine dark sea.
Oh I like the idea of Homer giving voice to the voiceless waves. I also like the idea of exploring the spiritual journey as well as the physical.
I think my taste does run towards piling up adjectives for sonic effect or just because I like the feel of them. There are probably some places where I should pare them down, but those are the darlings I'm always hesitant to kill.
Thank you so much for reading so carefully and responding with such thoughtful comments. I very much appreciate the encouragement.
Melanie, I love how lush your descriptions are, how lavish your images and adjectives. Your aesthetic is sumpteous. I don't think you necessarily need to pair anything down! I just had on my editor eye. 🤣 I actually love this idea of showing each other poems that are in progress. It is exciting to jump midstream into a creative process. Keep us posted if you end up working on this one more
As we have established, I am no poetry expert, but I have been reading a good bit lately, and your work here seems to quite good to me. I really like it, anyway! I encourage you to keep working on it. Perhaps there are more literary references you could incorporate since you have already included several? That could provide some direction for moving forward.
I just reread The Odyssey on audiobook while driving and I love the allusion to the wine dark sea. I am biased by my reading, but I was most pulled in by the ending, the sense of adventure that is tinged with danger.
My old blog, which I wrote for 14 years, was called The Wine Dark Sea. It's one of those phrases I love. I think I love the adventure tinged with danger too-- that's a good way to describe it.
Thanks so much for reading and giving your feedback.
Interesting that you from the past and this unfinished poem reached out to present day you.
I might have this poem go in the direction of the schooner reflecting on journeys across seas, stormy and peaceful. Perhaps have the schooner sitting at dock, thinking about what tomorrow will bring.
Oooh personification could be an interesting move...
I wonder if the sense of something reaching out from the past is something I could build on. Or make a frame narrative out of it.
Thank you for reading and commenting so thoughtfully, Neil.
This looks like a poem that wants a safe harbor. Perhaps it wants a fulfilling story arc? With resolution? It is interesting.
A safe harbor is a good idea. But I also feel like I want it to adventure more, to sail beyond the sunset and the baths of all the western stars... so yeah, I think a story arc ending with a safe harbor maybe. Though from a craft perspective, I'm not sure how long I can sustain the same rhythm and rhyme and intensity of language. I was kind of following the sounds more than the meaning.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I value your insight, Zina.
I always mean to comments more than I do. Sometimes I feel like I’ve written a response. But I find I did so … in my head! Doh!😣
I do that all the time as well. I think I've commented because I thought about it and wrote it in my head, but sometimes it stops there.
The opening images that stayed with me were the waves as the unspoken word, the meter of the lapping water. Can Homer speak to the reader and give voice to the waves? Can their metric reappear on a final stanza giving voice to the longings we navigate on a physical and spiritual journey? It seems like it could be very close to a final draft to me. A couple of times there were extra words, moments when a single adjective would have landed where the many choices diffused the sentiment. But that might be stylistic preference. I hope you finish it and republish! I want to see an additional stanza grappling with the language of the wine dark sea.
Oh I like the idea of Homer giving voice to the voiceless waves. I also like the idea of exploring the spiritual journey as well as the physical.
I think my taste does run towards piling up adjectives for sonic effect or just because I like the feel of them. There are probably some places where I should pare them down, but those are the darlings I'm always hesitant to kill.
Thank you so much for reading so carefully and responding with such thoughtful comments. I very much appreciate the encouragement.
Melanie, I love how lush your descriptions are, how lavish your images and adjectives. Your aesthetic is sumpteous. I don't think you necessarily need to pair anything down! I just had on my editor eye. 🤣 I actually love this idea of showing each other poems that are in progress. It is exciting to jump midstream into a creative process. Keep us posted if you end up working on this one more
As we have established, I am no poetry expert, but I have been reading a good bit lately, and your work here seems to quite good to me. I really like it, anyway! I encourage you to keep working on it. Perhaps there are more literary references you could incorporate since you have already included several? That could provide some direction for moving forward.
Thank you for the encouragement and kind words, Katy. I does almost feel like it needs another allusion to balance out the others...
I just reread The Odyssey on audiobook while driving and I love the allusion to the wine dark sea. I am biased by my reading, but I was most pulled in by the ending, the sense of adventure that is tinged with danger.
My old blog, which I wrote for 14 years, was called The Wine Dark Sea. It's one of those phrases I love. I think I love the adventure tinged with danger too-- that's a good way to describe it.
Thanks so much for reading and giving your feedback.